Texting is an undeniably useful tool for sharing information, making plans, and maintaining relationships outside of face-to-face interaction.
Unfortunately, texting can sometimes lead to confusion and anxiety. Without other social cues, text-only messages can be ambiguous. Many of us can relate to the angst of trying to decode a cryptic text from a loved one, or getting a hurt response from a text that we thought was perfectly benign.
With all that in mind, how do you text effectively with friends, family, and romantic partners?
What makes texting tricky?
As a form of communication, texting leaves a lot up to interpretation. In a face-to-face conversation, you not only get the words that someone is saying to you, but you receive a lot of supplemental information such as body language and tone of voice.
This extra information is helpful for interpreting the other person’s intended meaning – are they being sarcastic? Are they upset? Are they offering advice? These nuances can easily get lost, or be misinterpreted, when all we have to go off of is words on a screen.
The ease with which we can send someone a text can also be a double-edged sword. Most of us have our phones nearby or in our pockets all day. Receiving text messages from friends or loved ones can be pleasant, but it can also become overwhelming, especially when combined with a sense of obligation to respond.
Receiving a sensitive message while we are in a public place, at work, or otherwise not in a position to read or respond to it can create a stressful experience not only for the recipient but for the sender. Being “left on read” is often interpreted as an insult by the message sender, but may be chalked up to a variety of reasonable causes. Maybe the recipient was too busy to respond, or wasn’t in the best headspace. Maybe they just forgot.
Textual compatibility and setting boundaries
Avoiding miscommunications in text can be as simple as letting someone know your boundaries around texting.
Many issues that arise in texting communication come down to a lack of “textual compatibility” – that is, how similar your texting style is to that of a person you are chatting with.
Each person’s texting style is a combination of:
- The topics they prefer to text about
- How often they send or respond to messages
- How many emojis they use
- Whether they text in punctuated paragraphs or short, fragmented messages
The thing to keep in mind is that we often expect other people to text the same way that we do. It can be disorienting when we start a text-based relationship with someone who has a wildly different style from our own.
If you’re a person who often takes a while to respond to texts, someone who usually responds immediately might expect the same from you and get upset when they don’t hear back. Likewise, if you’re someone who uses texting as a quick check-in or a way to share logistical information, texting with someone who expects to have a long, casual conversation can be stressful.
Sending a quick message to communicate your usual texting style, or your expectations around a specific message, is a great way to avoid misunderstandings. You can say something like:
- Just so you know, I’m often slow to respond to texts
- FYI, I don’t look at my phone after 9pm
- Are you free to chat?
- Please respond before 3pm!
What’s the best way to text clearly?
Outside of the timing of responses and the style of conversation, the way people type out their texts can also leave room for interpretation – and misinterpretation.
If you value good grammar, you might be tempted to type out your text messages with complete sentences, including periods and proper capitalization. However, some research shows that using a period at the end of a text message can actually make your text sound insincere, regardless of your choice of words.
Whether you use emojis or abbreviations can be pretty subjective, and it may depend on who you’re talking to. For example an abbreviation like “brb” (be right back) that you use all the time with friends might not make sense to a parent or an older relative.
A good rule of thumb is to simply mirror the texting style of the person you’re talking to. If someone sends you a text with multiple emojis, they’ll likely appreciate the same in return. Conversely, if the person you’re talking to never uses emojis, they might be put off by that smiley face at the end of your message.
In some cases, an emoji can help to clarify the intended meaning of your words – for example, adding an emoji with a stuck-out tongue to your message can be helpful for confirming that your words were intended as a joke. Emoji themselves can also introduce ambiguity – so use them wisely
Key takeaways
Texting style is highly individual, and can vary between relationships. How you text with a romantic partner will be different from how you text with a friend or family member. That said, here are a few rules of thumb that you can keep in mind to help all of your texting go smoother:
- Mirror the texting style of the person you’re speaking with
- Be mindful of ending a text with a period
- Clearly communicate your expectations around texting
- Save sensitive topics for in-person conversations (especially in newer relationships)
Download the TELUS Health MyCare App
If you’re looking for more advice on how you can improve communication – whether in text, or in-person – speaking to a counsellor can help. Counsellors on the TELUS Health MyCare app have experience helping people from all walks of life develop strong communication skills and healthy strategies for dealing with conflict. Book a video appointment in the TELUS Health MyCare app to see a counsellor from your home.
